when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
