How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
