literally had 100 drinks last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
