its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
