First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
