maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
