I forgot how hot balto sounded
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
