I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
