Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
