our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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