guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
