i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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