dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
