My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
