Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
