I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
