My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
