he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
