mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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