He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
