the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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