"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So vagazzling was a success
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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