Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
