do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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