i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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