I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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