I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
