so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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