Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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