he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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