You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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