Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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