based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
