Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
