we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
