I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
