I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
