dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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