last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
