i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
