Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
