I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
