I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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