I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Randomize
