i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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