A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
