but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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