the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
