Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
