On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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