so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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